|
Let Me Off This Rollercoaster!
Tuesday August 29, 2006
He thinks I'm cheating on him. Yippee. I decided about a week ago to have the "we need a little space" speech that I'm pretty sure every couple has. I don't know why I didn't sever the relationship completely. Maybe I'm scared to be alone. But the concensus was that we were still in a monogomous relationship. We were just going to get rid of the sexual part, since I really felt and still feel that we were using it as a crutch and it was starting to feel like it was the only thing we had in common with each other.
We wouldn't talk, we couldn't sit in a room without him starting a fight with me. And it's pisses me off because I seem to have two modes with him. I either react like a little girl around him and cower when he gets upset, or I become a bitch and get really aggressive and go toe to toe with him. I hate both of the modes, especially when I'm talking about my boyfriend.
When we started dating, he had a lot of issues that I thought he was trying to deal with and sort out. He had been a serious drug user (he says he wasn't an addict) and the lifestyle he led was stupid and reckless...lots of drugs, lots of girls, lots of sex and that was pretty much it.
He was supposed to be on medication because his doctors thought he was borderline schitzophrenic. And I guess he was taking them until one of his ex-girlfriends told him that he didn't need to be on medication. All those meds are doled out by the government so that they can brain wash us and control what we do, so she says. She's brilliant, that girl. 
So he stopped taking meds. His mood swings are ridiculous. He can be happy for ten minutes at the most, and then he's really angry and I feel like he's ready to explode at any time. It's unnerving. So, I told him that I wanted him to sleep in the other room, so that we could see how we interacted with each other without having sex to save the day. He thought it was a good idea.
So that's what we've been doing.
And then the whole Saturday thing happened with the insecurity nonsense of why I dressed the way I did, blah,blah, blah. And I told him when I got home that if he couldn't trust me, then what was the point? I've never cheated on anyone, and I don't believe I would start now.
Anyway, he came into my room last night, and wanted to know if I wanted to have sex. And I said no...for two reasons. First reason being that I don't think it's a good idea to go back to doing what I think is blurring our perception of our relationship. And two, I have had a bladder infection for the last three days. The thought of sex was just painful.
However, he knows me. I'm usually always ready for consumating our love, or lust, so me saying no really threw him for a loop. Hence the new conclusion that I must be cheating on him. When he said it, I was so shocked that I actually laughed out loud and then I realized he was serious. It's clear to me that he's insecure about where we stand, but I don't want to be accused of doing things because of his insecurity.
The more I look at this relationship, the more I realize that I have to get out of it. It's not healthy for me and it's probably not good for him. And I'm tired of being stressed out. I can't stand being stressed all the time.
Now here's the hard part.....how to do it without having him go crazy and then guilting me back into the relationship. I love him but not enough to lose my mind.
| | Posted by Genny at 10:56 AM - | |
|
|
Monday August 28, 2006
I'm so frustrated. I starting to really resent the fact that I tend to be the type of person to accomodate people, because NO ONE is accomodating me!
Friday night I went to a show in New York with my friend. I wasn't really looking forward to going to it. I don't like traveling, so the only reason I went was because she kept saying that she wanted to go, but she wouldn't go by herself. I get very easily guilted. But the lead singer of the band is a childhood friend of hers who she hasn't seen in over ten years, so I went.
So, I got dressed up to suit the occassion, (jeans, tank top, lace jacket) and my boyfriend got upset. Where was I going? Why did I look like I was going to pick up some guy at the bar? Unbelievable. He completely ruined my evening. Started telling that he didn't care what I did and that as far as he was concerned, he wasn't the right man for me. And that may be true, but I would hope that the motivating factor for that statement would be more than my clothes.
He called me later on that night, crying, laying it on as thick as he could, knowing that it would be the only thing on my mind. I'm so tired of dealing with this garbage. I love him. But I'm tired. I just don't want to run away from this relationship without trying to make it work. However, two years is a long time. Maybe I've tried as much as I should. God, I'm so confused.
| | Posted by Genny at 10:52 AM - | |
|
|
Tuesday August 22, 2006
First of all, I must say that I was excited to actually have comments from people who don't know me! It was very liberating to know that I had relayed a thought, provoked a response, but there was no inner-group drama involved. Thank you very much.
So, today being Tuesday, I have made a very big decision. I have been overweight for the last ten years. I have always had issues with my weight, but starting at the age of thirteen, it was completely different. I was actually anorexic. I had always been really skinny, but once I got into high school and saw how everyone was OBSESSED with their weight, I decided to just stop eating. It worked. Too well.
Anyhow, I started dating a man who like everyone else, was worried about my health and took it upon himself to make me realize how yummy food really is. And it is, and I knew I wasn't being healthy or good to myself, so I followed him. We would go eat together, and even though it would take me hours to get through a meal, I slowly learned what it was to enjoy how food tasted and how good a full belly felt.
I went to college, got very comfortable with the guy I was with, and began living a very sedantary life. Between going to labs for my biology major and the studio for my art major, I found myself snacking on chips and burgers and soda and coffee as opposed to eating real food. And I gained a lot of weight. And it bothered me quite a bit. But I had a man who told me that he didn't care how big I was. He loved me either way. And I listened because it was a lot easier than dealing with my inner monologue that was chanting "You're fat, you're fat, you're fat!"
Needless to say, that relationship ended after eight years due to some very bizarre situations, and there I was, single and, yes....FAT. And I tried to diet. I have tried every diet in the world. I even stopped using the word diet and replaced it with "eating healthier" and "modifying my portions" to no avail. I'm thirty years old and I am just getting really scared that my life is going to be over before it actually get the chance to start.
I want to have kids, but I don't want to put myself in jeopardy because my heart can't support the extra weight. And quite frankly, I'm tired of being the "fat girl" in our group of friends. The fact that I have a pretty face doesn't make me feel better about myself. 
So I have decided to look into this procedure called lap belt weight loss. It's a surgery that has been used for the last ten years for people who are not comfortable with the invasive procedure of the gastric bypass surgery. It reduces the size of your stomach to the size of a golf ball, but it's done with an inflatable "sac" as opposed to cutting into the stomach or shortening the intestine.
Don't worry. I'm totally not going to jump into this thing without doing all the research required. I also need to know that I am mentally ready to do it. I don't need anything else on my plate to freak out about. But I have personally contacted a gastrointerologist that my fiance and I are very close friends with and we'll go from there.
I'm just ready for a change. I want to be happy with myself and the way I look. Is that too much to ask?
| | Posted by Genny at 12:22 PM - | |
|
|
Monday August 21, 2006
Venting away from Myspace
I was cohersed into starting a Myspace page. I fought it for a long time. But as things progressed, I realized that this is how most people are actually keeping in touch with one another, so I finally conceded and went into it full force.
Granted, it was really fun to see how many
friends I could find and take all the quirky little surveys. But I
found myself really drawn to blogging. I've always been the type of
person who expressed myself through writing, and it really took a lot
of the stress out of my day being able to just jot down my thoughts.
But after a while, I realized that there were a lot of things that I
was writing about that I wasn't always certain I wanted my friends
reading about. Some things personal, others would just cause too much
drama. And although I knew that I could just make them private, those
who knew me would see that I had posted a "private" blog and I would
get questions up the ying yang. So I decided to look for a venue where
I can write, share my thoughts....just not with people I know.
My main dilemma right now is that I have a friend. A fantastic friend.
And he's gay. He came out of the closet almost eighteen years ago, and
has been the biggest gay rights advocate I know. I love him. He's smart
and talented and funny. But he just turned 31 and has suddenly realized
that he wants to have children. He comes from a family where carrying
on the family name is a huge deal, and when the notion of having his
family name die with him came into his head, he decided that he is now
straight. Huh?
He is now dating a woman who has a twleve year old son, and he is
convinced that he will be able to not only make them happy, but make
himself happy by living the life of a straight man. Again, I say to
you....HUH? This is a man who stated on several occassions that he was
totally flabergasted that any man could find any part of a woman
sexually stimulating. But because he wants children, he has forgotten
ever saying that.
I worry for him. I was in a situation where I dated a man for eight
years and finally had to end the relationship because he was in fact
gay. Eight years of lying to people really sucks. And it really pisses
me off, quite frankly, that he is willing to throw himself back into
the closet for the sake of having children. I've tried talking to him.
He doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing and the woman is in
such a lala land that she couldn't care less. As long as she has a
boyfriend, she's as happy as a clam.....OH...as long as he doesn't
mention in front of her son or her family that he ever lived as a gay
man. So, he needs to lie. Sounds healthy.
And you know, I shouldn't let it bother me. But I care about my friends
and I want them to be happy. And I can say for myself, if I'm living a
lie, I'm definitely not happy. Who can be happy when you're constantly
looking over your shoulder to make sure the truth doesn't catch up with
you?
| | Posted by Genny at 6:43 PM - | |
|
|
Pages: 1
| |
158 Visitors
|
